My Miami Music

Brainstew

Another great song (by Green Day). I’m launching a company. I’m scoring men younger than me.

How would I ever have thought it would be like this? I didn’t. And it’s only getting more interesting…

Heartbreak is the worst thing in the world only until you realize that the worst thing in the world is really losing yourself.

Anyways, I’m no longer lost. I’m happy and somewhat comical. I find jokes in some would-be scenarios. What I find melancholy is that I think to the beginning of several relationships and there is FOLLY in only remembering the beginning. Because in the beginning, I am myself, this happy, comical person. And later, I become tainted and tampered with to become something that is, for lack of better words, not me.

Anyways, I feel the most like myself in awhile. I’m dating a country boy now, like the type that grew up on 1,000 acres in the middle of nowhere Alabama. His name is Jarred Scott Stabler in case this needs mentioning. Lol i’m not used to Country, but he is a Scorpio and that I can entertain.
Not that I need more water in my life. But he shows up like a water sign does. Wtf is wrong with all the other 9 months of the year. Water gets it.

Anyways, I leave you with the lyrics to Brain Stew:

I’m having trouble trying to sleep
I’m counting sheep but running out
As time ticks by, still I try
No rest for crosstops in my mind
On my own, here we go

My eyes feel like they’re gonna bleed
Dried up and bulging out my skull
My mouth is dry, my face is numb
Fucked up and spun out in my room
On my own, here we go

My mind is set on overdrive
The clock is laughing in my face
A crooked spine, my senses dulled
Past the point of delirium
On my own, here we go

My eyes feel like they’re gonna bleed
Dried up and bulging out my skull
My mouth is dry, my face is numb
Fucked up and spun out in my room
On my own, here we go

———

How I got here, don’t ask, but I’m so looking forward to the things to come. Don’t try to make sense of the things that come. Enjoy them and pass it on, like a bong. Ain’t that just life?

Everything in its right place

It’s 1:05am…I remember listening to this song in high school. I was sitting on this guy’s bedroom floor, co-ed mix, listening to this music at night.

It’s one of those coming-of-age tunes for me. And it’s still so applicable. I’m not on a bedroom floor tonight, but i’m in a bedroom and i’m not sleeping, listening to this song.

Being off social media has been great. It’s been 10 days, and while it’s becoming strange to me to be so “quiet,” it definitely requires me to be more creative with my time.

Calls start at 9am tomorrow…I should be sleeping. But…

Everything in its Right Place by Radiohead lyrics:

Kid A, Kid A

Kid A, Kid A

Everything

Everything

Everything

Everything

In its right place

In its right place

In its right place

In its right place

Yesterday, I woke up sucking on a lemon

Yesterday, I woke up sucking on a lemon

Yesterday, I woke up sucking on a lemon

Yesterday, I woke up sucking on a lemon

Everything

Everything

Everything

In its right place

In its right place

In its right place

Right place

There are two colors in my head

There are two colors in my head

What, what is that you tried to say?

What, what was that you tried to say?

Tried to say

Tried to say

Tried to say

Tried to say

Everything

Everything

Everything

Everything

Odesza FTW

A concert of joy and celebration at West Palm’s iThink amphitheater.

I haven’t danced like that in awhile. The visuals and pyrotechnics were top-notch. I made a new friend while dancing by the front ropes center-lawn. She has a podcast on Spotify called, “Soul Server,” and it seems synchronous with how I’m building my company. I’m approaching it as a service to my fellow man.

Soul service comes with sacrifice, and it is wonderful seeing the building blocks unfold before me. Like God keeps putting me in the right place at the right time. And I should be ever grateful to follow the path that is my Purpose. I think most people yearn for this moment – for this knowledge of Self and certainty of general direction.

So to that, I thank God. It is in the other realms I seem to be missing something. Or it feels like it at least. Realms like relational love and family. Like the building blocks in these facets of life have all but washed up and away with the ocean tide, leaving nothing permanent except a changed me.

I see my family differently. I know there’s at least one person out there who’s gone through something vaguely similar. And so that’s comforting.

I think I’m still learning who is a good person for me.

It sucks because at my age, you hope to have found your person, as in your person you travel with, have dates with, go to weddings with, plan the future with. And it seems elusive to me.

Family, marriage, and babies seem all too common actually. As if I’m the odd woman out. And I know to be grateful for my place. Nobody can have it all.

I’m able to dance uninhibited, dress the way I want, talk to who I want. Lol for the first time I approached a man and hit on him on Saturday at The Ben. I thought it was going well – he was going to the Odesza concert, too. When I asked who he was going with, he said his wife. My jaw dropped and I apologized. He laughed, but I felt like I had done something wrong. I told him I didn’t see a ring. (The truth is I didn’t even think to look for one.) Oh well, such is life. 

The silver lining is that I saw my newfound courage and confidence take flight. I’m capable of going after what looks like a good thing, something a younger me wouldn’t have done. Especially when I have a drink in my hand bought by someone less interesting.

I know what I’m interested in. This third Virgo, he was deep you know? Today’s his birthday and as rare as it is to click with someone – you just gotta let things flow.

I miss talking with someone deep. And so instead of investing myself in a relationship – it all goes into my dog and my company. The power of Purpose comes with imposed and perhaps implied limitations. You simply cannot do it all, as much as common Tongue says you can.

So I sit on the beach with my dog at sunset, still elevated from the past week of events. My focus and my immediate future is clear. MusicPass full steam ahead.

I’ll keep you posted on the podcast!

How do you plan for presence?

I’m a planner. Always have been. But where is the line drawn for leaving things to the wind?

It may be somewhat neurotic or perhaps controlling to want to plan, but I believe I do a good job of leaving room for serendipity. Music events are a great example of that. I plan the arrival, the departure (for most part), and the in-between is the magic.

Uncertainty is a fact of life, yet, when applied to the larger circumstances in time spans that are not hours within a day, but perhaps months within years or just year to year, it can feel unsettling. There’s magic to be had, but instead of being care-free, insanely we can analyze and stress.

Part of my karmic quest is to break from illusions. And perhaps this title we give things, such as a “career” or a “relationship,” too is an illusion because nothing lasts forever, even though the words imply that they do.

For example, I’ve met people who have lost a child. So even the relationship word “parent” is not forever. 

I suppose what I’m trying to get at is that this thing called life, which keeps going and going…it has to keep flowing. That is the very essence of life itself.

So I find that as much as I love words as a tool of expression, words, too, can be a source of illusion.

To be honest, I’m trying to find the balance between that of sexual restraint, purity, and emotional well-being versus the desire for connectivity and sexual expression. Don’t both routes provide personal growth?

It’s a fair point. Which is the path of cutting through illusion? Denial that leads to clarity? Or experience that leads to knowledge? Both play their role. The story of Adam & Eve says experience leading to knowledge is what brought hell upon them. But would they have known otherwise what they had if they had not lost it?

I don’t want to lose anymore.

I’ve lost a lot. And in return, I’ve gained Truth. That’s the price of Truth, in a world sick and corrupt with piece-mails of identity’s strung together to resemble some form of self.

I can’t remember the last time I wanted to have sex with someone and restrained myself. It makes one question, “Am I doing the right thing?”

I suppose this is walking by Faith. Giving up the present opportunity of now, in denial of gratification, for something bigger (hopefully) in the end.

It’s not easy. I do feel whole with an invigorated sense of Self having not had sex. Male energy can take a lot from a woman, and the energy of a man stays in a woman’s system longer.

That’s why I try to stay as clean as possible. I have no desire for bullshit clouding my life. As an empath, I’ve spent too much time dealing with emotions, demons, and illnesses that were never my cross to bear.

It’s been three years…

It’d be nice to have something come into my life that doesn’t make me struggle in such a way, sexually-speaking. That fulfills desire and safeguards my well-being with an offer of protection and presence.

Should I just be living in the moment? I wish I could, but life has taught me to be more judicious than that. So I live in this tormented, but safe ward that I’ve setup for myself – hoping one day it pays off.

And as much as I would love to plan a trip or a getaway or do something so lovely and fun with someone else – I draw back. Is this an opportunity to be courageous? Or is it a silly wishful whim that only repeats the pain from the past?

I’m not sure, but I’m willing to question myself and I’m willing to grow. And I take both those things as a good sign.

Sometimes the best answer is to just wait.

“Love is patient. Love is kind.”

So I stay patient and keep my current path as it has been the road less traveled. I need new in my life. I pray for connectivity.

I miss his touch.

How do you plan for presence?

I’m a planner. Always have been. But where is the line drawn for leaving things to the wind?

It may be somewhat neurotic or perhaps controlling to want to plan, but I believe I do a good job of leaving room for serendipity. Music events are a great example of that. I plan the arrival, the departure (for most part), and the in-between is the magic.

Uncertainty is a fact of life, yet, when applied to the larger circumstances in time spans that are not hours within a day, but perhaps months within years or just year to year, it can feel unsettling. There’s magic to be had, but instead of being care-free, insanely we can analyze and stress.

Part of my karmic quest is to break from illusions. And perhaps this title we give things, such as a “career” or a “relationship,” too is an illusion because nothing lasts forever, even though the words imply that they do.

For example, I’ve met people who have lost a child. So even the relationship word “parent” is not forever. 

I suppose what I’m trying to get at is that this thing called life, which keeps going and going…it has to keep flowing. That is the very essence of life itself.

So I find that as much as I love words as a tool of expression, words, too, can be a source of illusion.

To be honest, I’m trying to find the balance between that of sexual restraint, purity, and emotional well-being versus the desire for connectivity and sexual expression. Don’t both routes provide personal growth?

It’s a fair point. Which is the path of cutting through illusion? Denial that leads to clarity? Or experience that leads to knowledge? Both play their role. The story of Adam & Eve says experience leading to knowledge is what brought hell upon them. But would they have known otherwise what they had if they had not lost it?

I don’t want to lose anymore.

I’ve lost a lot. And in return, I’ve gained Truth. That’s the price of Truth, in a world sick and corrupt with piece-mails of identity’s strung together to resemble some form of self.

I can’t remember the last time I wanted to have sex with someone and restrained myself. It makes one question, “Am I doing the right thing?”

I suppose this is walking by Faith. Giving up the present opportunity of now, in denial of gratification, for something bigger (hopefully) in the end.

It’s not easy. I do feel whole with an invigorated sense of Self having not had sex. Male energy can take a lot from a woman, and the energy of a man stays in a woman’s system longer.

That’s why I try to stay as clean as possible. I have no desire for bullshit clouding my life. As an empath, I’ve spent too much time dealing with emotions, demons, and illnesses that were never my cross to bear.

It’s been three years…

It’d be nice to have something come into my life that doesn’t make me struggle in such a way, sexually-speaking. That fulfills desire and safeguards my well-being with an offer of protection and presence.

Should I just be living in the moment? I wish I could, but life has taught me to be more judicious than that. So I live in this tormented, but safe ward that I’ve setup for myself – hoping one day it pays off.

And as much as I would love to plan a trip or a getaway or do something so lovely and fun with someone else – I draw back. Is this an opportunity to be courageous? Or is it a silly wishful whim that only repeats the pain from the past?

I’m not sure, but I’m willing to question myself and I’m willing to grow. And I take both those things as a good sign.

Sometimes the best answer is to just wait.

“Love is patient. Love is kind.”

So I stay patient and keep my current path as it has been the road less traveled. I need new in my life. I pray for connectivity.

I miss his touch.

Miracles occur

Thirty minutes after I wrote my last blog post, my entire weekend changed.

It went from nervous and mopey to laughing and smiling. God surely hasn’t forgotten about me.

After declining the first guy who asked me to dance at Do Not Sit, I realized it was up to me to turn things around, that life could be joyful if I let it. So I told myself if someone else tonight asks me to dance, I’m going to say, “Yes.” 

I’m happy I did.

I met a respectful man of courage who brought a smile to my face. Not with false bravado, but the real strength that a woman hopes to meet.

There were five things I needed that were provided: someone new, fun, and attractive, respect, physical touch, empathy and understanding of past, and display of genuine friendship.

I wasn’t expecting a win this large; but that’s the miracle of Self. 

Sometimes the learning lessons of life can really put you in the dumps. And for what it’s worth, I must’ve aced my last test of “connecting the dots” so much so that I was rewarded with something light, refreshing, and real.

I had to push myself to be open to new experiences again. I had to act with courage. And in return, Courage met me.

It’s been pretty painful to get to where I’m at today, so that can make Courage a hard bar to pull up on, but I did it. And the gift I got was receiving this guy’s empathy. It sounds like he went through something similar, and it is incredibly healing to hear your words come out and someone meets your gaze like they KNOW the truth you are speaking.

I’m not so lost at sea anymore. I’m not alone. And I’m in a season of wealth and abundance.

It was 30 hours of fun in the sun, from sunrise to sunrise. Newly single and not a Florida resident, him and I played out the story that got him to his plane Monday night.

He’s another Virgo. Born on September 11th – can you believe it? I guess some people have to have that birthday. But yeah…another Virgo…

Third time may be a charm, but I also know Life is willing to surprise me. So I’m going to let it.

What a nice surprise. LFG!!!

Accepting what is

Shitty door experiences, bad lighting, people who can’t help but be mean.

It’s these moments of displeasure that call us to higher thinking, higher being.

I seem to carry scars that perhaps most single 30-something-year-olds carry.

I’ve gained and I’ve lost. Sometimes it’s like being lost at sea. Most of the time it feels that way, especially when past experiences say it’s best.

I’m trying to heal my mind from emotional abuse. I’m trying to disconnect my ex from my fabulous music experiences. I’m not there yet, but it’s getting better.

He’s just like my mom anyways. Isn’t funny we attract people like our parents?

I may be insane. I desire function, stability, and a healthy love. And I perhaps come to the most dysfunctional places, hoping to meet another nerd like me. Who just likes house music, who can treat me right. No codependency. No narcissism. Just secure attachment seeking secure attachment.

I’m at Do Not Sit tonight for Steve Lawler’s monthly residency. He’s fresh from Ibiza and the sounds are very Tulum-ish. I’ve been catching him since 2006 on Space Terrace; he’s an OG. There was no “Tulum music” back then lol

It’s 2am and it’s getting better. Maybe that’s just it. When you hit low, in anything, there’s a big chance, everything is going to get better; somehow, someway, it has to get better.

I’m coming out of 12 years of shit…and I’m not drinking. That helps.

I still wish life had gone differently. I am beginning to see that there was no other path than the one that happened. 

I’m rooting for the future. In my spiritual practice, I was told, “I haven’t forgotten you.”

And so I wait. I patiently wait and persevere for the best life that I deserve – full of health, goodness, joy, accountability, communication, growth.

How do I meet another house head with these qualities? Perhaps it’s through my business. Not through my employees, but through business partners.

It is hard not to think of the past. I deserve better. Pray for me.

Reconnaissance Work

Upon first impression, Orlando is the new Miami.

A dark bar, minimal music, a disco ball. It’s 1-800-Lucky meets Centro with the eeriness of Electric Pickle.

At this point only veteran Miamians will know what I’m talking about as two of the three venues mentioned above are now just a memory.

But I like it here. No one’s on their phone except me, writing this story. Reminds me of the weird times I used to go out to these obscure places in Miami. Dark. Underground.

Something about the underground is intriguing. I know it’s a dangerous world to get caught up in – filled w narcissists, fantasists, and escapists. But I find myself to be a nerd amongst the crowd. I secretly always wanted to be a dancer. And here is where I get to be just that.

I still think about my ex. I’m sure that will pass, but I suppressed memories for 12 years – and that’s just gonna take some time to unpack and settle. He wasn’t so nice to me. I remember why it ended. And he never sought to really remedy the wrongs. Maybe I thought time would change him. But at 35, I’m a grown woman, and no one has that kind of time to keep holding out for their first love to change and be the person he or she always needed.

So life goes on. I heard someone say that once you love someone, you don’t stop loving them. It’s impossible to. So how I see it, the quest is to squeeze the part of my heart that once was reserved for him, to the side. It kind of hurts, but it’s better than pining for the impossible, which hurts ten-fold.

It would’ve been so much damn easier if he hadn’t his issues, but that’s his journey, and honestly someone else’s problem now.

I’m perfectly content being single for now. There is this neighbor of mine… 

But the way I see it, all roads lead to New York. I’m enjoying Florida while I can. Orlando tonight for James Zabiela – he gets on in 30 minutes – very much looking forward to that.

Xoxo

Growth spurts, growth hurts

What to do when the world around is rapidly changing? Perhaps we cling. Perhaps we hide. But it is the brave who meet it head-on.

I don’t know if I’m with the brave. I’ve been called brave before. But seeing the old fall away from my city, particularly as it relates to music and dance, is like scraping off a part of my body. I’m connected to it. And in the face of death, I feel like I am dying, too, sometimes.

I swell with emotions. It seems there is no limit to the grief I will experience in this long life I’m going to live. To lose health, friends, family, job, apartment, money, true love, false future, youthfulness, and now – my city, my music.

It is akin to an identity crisis when such loss is experienced. Who am I without that? We know who we are in relationship to things, people. Remove them, who are we?

I am feeling lost. I’m actually quite sad thinking about My Miami Music and the state of affairs it’s in right now. It’s home. It’s my home.

Does anyone have reverence for home anymore?

Sometimes it is as if I can’t breathe. My joy is wrapped up in it, you see? Music is joy. And I am sad to see things fall apart with no rebuilding in near sight.

I’m coming to Miami next weekend to visit Space. It is one of the last strongholds that has seen me since the age of 17.

Half my life can be rooted in going to that club. And soon, one day, with all the construction, that place will be a thing of the past as well.

Who am I without these things? Who am I without My Miami Music? I’m really at a loss for words. I abandoned, I found myself, and it seems like just when I got myself back, renewed my True Love, everything is being pushed away from me. And I don’t understand any of it.

While I’m in anonymous Florida right now, I have a feeling New York will be the next step in this quest towards my life’s devotion to music events. I’ll give New Yorkers a taste of their own medicine – that of invading our space.

I’m a Florida girl through and through. A Miami girl more specifically. And no one can take that away from me. Even as my city goes underwater, and is no more, I will have to ask, “Who am I?” And the answer will be, “Well…I’m still that.” I’ll always be that.

Love

There may not be a single word spoken more by the human race.

We interpret it as a series of actions. We interpret it as a feeling. We interpret it as perfection.

The reality is that a human, loving relationship is imperfect; the perfection we feel from it is from a spiritual source.

A lot of forgiveness and humility is involved. I suppose that’s why they say not to focus on the feeling so much, as that’s not what’s going to get you by in the long run.

I’ve been a feeler. Yup, I admit it. If it didn’t feel good, I was ready to feel good again. A professional runner from pain. Life was short. And there were countless opportunities to find Love.

False. The truth is, I was hurting.

There’s a special case called the human, abusive relationship. This relationship is a poison to our spirits, and it includes emotional, verbal, and physical abuse. A bunch of forgiveness and humility will still not make Love appear.

If you’ve been exposed to that, know you’re not alone. Abuse came into my life at a young age, and I’ve wanted to marry it. It’s a grotesque cycle. A lot of perversion of the word, “love,” masquerading as control and self-loathing.

I’m so happy to heal my pain. I made amends to my ex, the one who emotionally abused me for years.

It feels good to be relieved of guilt. I owned my part (we all play a part), and I’m proud of myself.

At some point, you have to figure out that Love is a state of being. It doesn’t matter what another person does, you can still have love in your being. You can pray for them, think on them.

“Whatsoever things are true,

whatsoever things are honest,

whatsoever things are just,

whatsoever things are pure,

whatsoever things are lovely,

whatsoever things are of good report;

if there be any virtue, and if there be

any praise, think on these things.” – Phil 4:8

Having honest thoughts is important. It’s not that a person is these things, but that the thoughts about them are.

We’re all fighting a spiritual battle. I have scars, just like the rest of humanity. I think that’s why there’s these epic movies like Lord of the Rings that do so well in emphasizing the battle of good versus evil.

The person we love the most, we can wage the worst war. We see their pain and want to take it away, love it away, transcend to this hopeful cloud, only to get burned and thus burn them in return.

Sometimes the most at-stake war is the one happening at home, internally, self-versus-self. Maybe each of us has a little Gollum inside. I want to be nice, but oh, evil has had its way with me. So let me cover it up and pretend everything is fine, until I can no longer pretend. So on and so forth…

I fucking hate evil lol.

I really do. And when you start to see humans in that light, not as monsters of their own device, but as vehicles capable of inflicting pain from another dimension, it’s the beginning of Truth.

It’s not truly who they are. Their appearance is not what they have been made to be, which are offshoots of Love.

That’s where Grace comes in.

We all need Grace.

We need some common sense, too. But like, we need Grace. We need Peace. We need to own our part. Face the monster in the mirror. And realize, that, too, is a lie. 

So my prayer for you, if you’re reading this, is that the illness and confusion stops in your life. That it dissipates, unravels, and shrivels into the ground. And from it, clarity of mind comes forth as your spiritual birthright. May you have courage to Love yourself despite the monster/ugliness seen. God says we have power AND authority over evil. Evil has power, but it has no authority. So I pray you exercise the authority of your spirit.

This word is worth it.

A life off instagram

The irony is that I had a much more active nightlife pre-social media, or at least how we know it today, which is ready to record with a smartphone in hand.

I forget about many of the nights I spent out, not because I was so wasted, but because there were so many nights to be had. And they’re not posted anywhere, except in the files of my digital camera.

And let it be known, it was very uncool to do more than 1-3 digital camera videos. You were very uncool to be on technology versus part of the dancefloor. This is how it used to be.

I was clubbing six nights a week, without a job, at 22 years old. It was a fabulous time to be young, attractive, unemployed, and with a boyfriend.

Every night was an adventure. The internet was left at home. We congregated, said hello, shared experiences, and kept alive what was else known as an exclusive right to the insider party scene. We knew where to be on what nights, and who was playing.

At home, we could check wanttickets.com (r.i.p.), but we got the bulk of our information from talking to other house heads on the scene, in addition to the flyers we’d receive outside the club every night between the hours of 4 and 5am. I loved the distinction between home and going out. Home was the planning. Being out was the surprise.

Now home is muddled with going out. The distinction no longer exists. The pervasiveness of the internet in a sense has dulled the sensation of adventure and diversity. Where is the surprise? Who can tell me something novel and different, something “locals-only” that isn’t advertised and prostituted on the internet. It’s nonexistent. Extinct.

Being a Miami local has lost it’s value. Except it hasn’t. Because we remember and we’re the only ones who know how to keep Miami – Miami.

These New Yorkers want to make South Beach the new Chelsea district. Get out of here. If you can’t understand the relevance of a club like Opium Gardens/Amnesia/Story in SoFi, you do not belong here. Periodt.

I digress.

It seems only music can remind me of the particular flashes of fun I had in the multitude of clubs. Back then, we had 20+ venues to choose from?

I’m going to document them here: Heathrow, Coco Deauville, Louis, Mokai, Rooftop 23, Mynt, Rockbar, Arcadia, LIV, Set, Red Room, Twist, Mansion, Opium Gardens, Nikki Beach, Amnesia, Story, Trade, Cameo,  Aerobar, Pinkroom, Will Call, Grand Central, Nocturnal, Space, Heart, this hidden club behind what is now known as Barsecco, Grass Lounge, Pawn Shop, Bardot, and I’m sure I’m missing a couple. That’s 30+ nightlife establishments.

Heathrow – down

Coco Deauville – down

Louis – now Club 23 (lame)

Mokai – down

Rooftop 23 – only a dayclub now

Mynt – up

Rockbar – down

Arcadia – down, R.I.P.

LIV – up

Set – now Mr. Jones (lame)

Red Room – down

Twist – up

Mansion – now M2 (ok)

Opium Gardens/Amnesia/Story – down

Nikki Beach – up

Trade – down

Cameo – down

Aerobar – down

Pinkroom – down

Will Call – down

Grand Central – down

Nocturnal/Heart – down

Space – up

hidden club – down

Grass – down

Pawn Shop – down

Bardot – now Sylvester

1 out of 5 remain that have not been extinguished or re-branded. 

3 out of 5 venues shut down and never came back. 60% of the nightlife playground, gone.

Wynwood wasn’t even existent back then. What a life. South Beach glamour was the only choice with the occasional downtown ratchet. 

It seems like home has gotten away from me. And thus, I’ve gotten away from it.

I’m taking a sabbatical in anonymous Florida, on the beach. I’m needing to clear my head and wrap my mind around the music scene in the 2020s.

I’m not the only one to leave Miami at this time, so I know it’s a movement greater than me.

I’m watching, even from a distance. It’s my home. And music is my mission.